"It's not the end. It's the beginning."

Life has an end and a beginning, everything in the middle is just a transition. 

This week my english teacher has returned the essay's we wrote and would like us to fix the biggest flaw in our essay. My biggest flaw was sloppy and clumsy transitions. Below I have posted the end of my first paragraph and the beginning of my second paragraph verbatim of what I turned in, below that I will correct it hoping to soften the transition between the thoughts and the transition of paragraphs.

Original: 

She wishes to have all these sounds that’s she thinks are interesting in her head. Having the mental handicap made those with it unequal to those without, it highlighted that their intelligence was way above those of average intelligence.  Anyone who watched them would notice, the ballerinas who winced on stage at one noise, and collapsed at another, everyone watching understood they were more intelligent than the other dancers to have earned the mental handicap.

            Vonnegut also uses irony in describing how the Handicapper General creates equality to deal with the reality that some are much more graceful and physically talented than others. When Vonnegut writes that because the Handicapper General made all the ballerinas technique equal to those of everyone else, “They weren’t really very good – no better than anybody else would have been, anyway.” (Page 1) He brings to attention the concept of why we watch sports, or ballet, or look at art. We would not have the awe and interest of it if we had the ability to do the same things as those we are watching.  Watching ballet or professional sports allows us to admire the technique and skill of those different from us.   The irony is; that by creating equality by reducing everyone to the level of the least graceful and talented, the ballet is no longer worth watching.

Now edited: 

She wishes to have these sounds that she thinks are interesting in her head. Having the mental handicap makes those with it unequal to those without, highlighting that their intelligence is way above those of average intelligence. In the story Hazel and George are watching a set of ballerinas dance on the television, the other citizens in the town that Hazel and George live in also watching the ballerinas also notices the ballerinas who wince on stage at a noise in their intelligence handicap, and collapse at another noise, everyone watching understands they are more intelligent than the other dancers, to have earned the mental handicap. Many of the ballerinas have additional handicaps to the mental headset. 
              Being more intelligent than the other ballerinas is not in the only inequality the ballerinas have to face. In this society where everyone is equal, ballerinas who earn solos by being more graceful or stronger than the other ballerinas have to be brought down to the level of the other dancers. Vonnegut also uses irony in describing how the Handicapper General creates equality to deal with the reality that some are much more graceful and physically talented than others. We see this when the Handicapper General makes all the ballerinas technique equal to those of everyone else, "They weren't really very good -- no better than anybody else would have been, anyway." (Vonnegut, 1) Vonnegut brings attention to the concept that we watch sports, or ballet, or look at art for a reason. We would not have the awe and interest of it if we had the ability to do the same things as those we are watching. Watching ballet or other professional sports allows us to admire the technique and skill of those different from us. The irony is, that creating equality by reducing everyone to the level of the least graceful and talented, the ballet is no longer worth watching.

While editing my essay I learned that if I over think while I write it will sound choppy and awkward, however, if I just write what I am thinking and then go back and read what I wrote out loud, not only am I more likely to find the awkward phrasing, but I am also more likely to find spelling and grammatical errors. 
I chose to edit my transitions because it was the most repeated mistake in my essay, and it is the most distracting from the reader's perspective. I did not find it particularly hard or difficult to revise this flaw because after reading the section out loud I immediately discovered the problem areas and after playing around with the phrasing in my head with a few varieties I found my favourite which seemed the most natural and used that. This year in my english class I hope to be able to write more fluid, defined essays in a shorter span of time. 

My title was a quote from Twilight.